miércoles, 7 de septiembre de 2011
jueves, 18 de agosto de 2011
homesickness
I'm trying to find a quiet space in my heart to write. I would normally just try to walk or run, but today I'm tired, exhausted, and have had to deal with altitude sickness for the first time in my life that I can remember. It has never been like this- maybe only remember feeling tired after a hike at some altitude- but not this. Ever. So just for you that are reading, I'm ok. I think my blood pressure went up yesterday for a bit, but I really am ok. I felt better last night. I'm just homesick.
This homesickness has also caught me off-guard. I mean, of course I should have expected it. I was gone for five weeks. I was loved on, spoiled, tolerated at times, cared for, treated like a princess, surprised, delighted, forgiven, listened to... woken up early for, spoiled some more... I could not have imagined all the goodness that God would show me. He really got through this time. Back some months ago, there was a night where I probably drank soda or was too tired to fall asleep, and I felt God was saying, "I am pleased with you" and just felt Him smile at me. I seriously felt Him smile. It was sweet but then also seemed random- didn't seem consistent with the story of my life those days, when I was beating myself up really hard I think just trying to do work and life well, and/or just running ragged from spreading myself out so thin. It was a sweet moment- kind of like, "Did I imagine this?" "Is this a product of my over-worked head or imagination or the soda I drank?" But I felt it was for me and from time to time I tried to remember that night, and believe what God had said, but it was hard. Too much going on. Too much rubble accumulated along the road.
So it just occured to me the other day, after I had shared with a friend just a new treat God had given me, that God was just showing me throughout this whole summer how much He DOES smile at me. And love me! She said (you know who you are!) something about God smiling on me and later on I thought, yes, He is, and then remembered this middle-of-the-night little thing that had happened. So I think He knew how hard it had been for me to really believe and take hold of the idea that He was indeed pleased with me and even more so, ever smiling at me. Loving on me, patiently watching me grow. A completely different image from an exacting, demanding and sometimes just straight out angry God that would appear from time to time in my conscious or subconscious mind. I think He has cleaned that out. I know He's with me, and He has all the time in the world to see me grow and learn.
Some years back, as I took care of some plants, some of which I drenched, God showed me that "love gives time for things to grow." I knew I was in a desperate spot earlier this year when I honestly expected some orchids that had bloomed to die. What had happened is that 8 white orchids bloomed after a year and a half of no flowering. They started to appear-8 of them- on the month my Grandma turned eighty. It was February of this year and I was running at 1,000 miles per hour. I knew I was in a really bad spot when I expected for the orchids to already die! because they had already served their function of making me happy and being a gift from God for her 80th birthday. I had bought that plant several years earlier with bday money from my Grandma. Ok plants- was the idea in my head- you made me happy. Now you should die. Life goes on. The orchids, of course, refused to die :). (By the way, as they died, six more started growing. The last one is dying now, and there is another branch with more to come! My orchids have never bloomed like this before!)
I KNOW how stupid expecting my orchids to die sounds now! But it was what I felt and it reflected my hurried soul very well. God has taught me I don't need to run so hard. He's with me and He's FOR me. His favor RESTS on me. No need to push so hard, run so hard, work so hard. The meek will inherit the earth- the Psalmist says. I have a God who WILL take care of me. Who smiles at me.
So thank you, friends, for still giving me a place in California to call home. I don't think homesickness can exist without a sense of belonging in the first place. Thank you for your many kindnessess (lending a car, giving me a room to sleep in, rejoicing in playing with special little ones, going out to coffee at 7 am, chatting away together, letting me come visit unannounced and so much more) and most importantly, for being a part of my life. I don't know how people do it without community. I think God was very wise, loving, and intentional when He gave me you. I have a community here in my town, also, and a place to call home. And yet that doesn't necessarily make it easier to say bye. So just thank you. I love you all.
Monica
This homesickness has also caught me off-guard. I mean, of course I should have expected it. I was gone for five weeks. I was loved on, spoiled, tolerated at times, cared for, treated like a princess, surprised, delighted, forgiven, listened to... woken up early for, spoiled some more... I could not have imagined all the goodness that God would show me. He really got through this time. Back some months ago, there was a night where I probably drank soda or was too tired to fall asleep, and I felt God was saying, "I am pleased with you" and just felt Him smile at me. I seriously felt Him smile. It was sweet but then also seemed random- didn't seem consistent with the story of my life those days, when I was beating myself up really hard I think just trying to do work and life well, and/or just running ragged from spreading myself out so thin. It was a sweet moment- kind of like, "Did I imagine this?" "Is this a product of my over-worked head or imagination or the soda I drank?" But I felt it was for me and from time to time I tried to remember that night, and believe what God had said, but it was hard. Too much going on. Too much rubble accumulated along the road.
So it just occured to me the other day, after I had shared with a friend just a new treat God had given me, that God was just showing me throughout this whole summer how much He DOES smile at me. And love me! She said (you know who you are!) something about God smiling on me and later on I thought, yes, He is, and then remembered this middle-of-the-night little thing that had happened. So I think He knew how hard it had been for me to really believe and take hold of the idea that He was indeed pleased with me and even more so, ever smiling at me. Loving on me, patiently watching me grow. A completely different image from an exacting, demanding and sometimes just straight out angry God that would appear from time to time in my conscious or subconscious mind. I think He has cleaned that out. I know He's with me, and He has all the time in the world to see me grow and learn.
Some years back, as I took care of some plants, some of which I drenched, God showed me that "love gives time for things to grow." I knew I was in a desperate spot earlier this year when I honestly expected some orchids that had bloomed to die. What had happened is that 8 white orchids bloomed after a year and a half of no flowering. They started to appear-8 of them- on the month my Grandma turned eighty. It was February of this year and I was running at 1,000 miles per hour. I knew I was in a really bad spot when I expected for the orchids to already die! because they had already served their function of making me happy and being a gift from God for her 80th birthday. I had bought that plant several years earlier with bday money from my Grandma. Ok plants- was the idea in my head- you made me happy. Now you should die. Life goes on. The orchids, of course, refused to die :). (By the way, as they died, six more started growing. The last one is dying now, and there is another branch with more to come! My orchids have never bloomed like this before!)
I KNOW how stupid expecting my orchids to die sounds now! But it was what I felt and it reflected my hurried soul very well. God has taught me I don't need to run so hard. He's with me and He's FOR me. His favor RESTS on me. No need to push so hard, run so hard, work so hard. The meek will inherit the earth- the Psalmist says. I have a God who WILL take care of me. Who smiles at me.
So thank you, friends, for still giving me a place in California to call home. I don't think homesickness can exist without a sense of belonging in the first place. Thank you for your many kindnessess (lending a car, giving me a room to sleep in, rejoicing in playing with special little ones, going out to coffee at 7 am, chatting away together, letting me come visit unannounced and so much more) and most importantly, for being a part of my life. I don't know how people do it without community. I think God was very wise, loving, and intentional when He gave me you. I have a community here in my town, also, and a place to call home. And yet that doesn't necessarily make it easier to say bye. So just thank you. I love you all.
Monica
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